step back and watch the night sky

Friday, June 02, 2006

Dear ______, (only Hui Min knows for certain who I’m referring to)

You make me smile for absolutely no reason at all. You should wear blue more often. Someday I will muster the courage to confess my feelings for you. You = someone I can actually imagine being with. If I saw you now I'd attempt to engage you in meaningful conversation just to see you smile. I would build a sandcastle just for you. I would get your name tattooed on my heart, because you’ll always be someone special. If I could sing you any song it would be ‘Have I told you lately that I love you?’. We could drink champagne under the stars. My love for you is like that of the mysteries of the universe – inexplicably profound, something I may never truly understand.

Love, Kerry
(P.S. You’ll never know just how much you’ve inspired me.)

Taken off someone's weblog, Fill in the blanks. Will post more later.

musing ; 10:29 AM`

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Of Gratitude

No words will ever adequately describe the surge of emotions that gripped me during the finals of the Julia Gabriel's debating championships last night. It was an emotional rollercoaster, to use a rather cliched term, for there were the zeniths, the nadirs, and a just a general feeling of disorientedness throughout.

My mind's still in a whirl now, but I will attempt to put together a coherent sequence of thank you messages:

Thank you:

God - for always being there, always listening, and loving me unconditionally despite my shortcomings and constant refusal to adhere strictly to your teachings, as well as giving me the strength to persevere throughout the period.

Mom and Dad - for being so patient with me even as I continually retreat into my own world when I'm caught up in work and debate matters, for always taking the time to talk to me in spite of the curt replies that sometimes characterise my speech, whether they're intentional or not, for being so supportive of all that I undertake, for the invaluable advice and guidance in all I do, for providing for me in every way possible, for encouraging me to shoot for the stars and chase my dreams, for doing all you can to make these dreams materialise, for loving me through it all, and for loving me for who I am.

Hansel, our coach - for always tolerating our missed deadlines and incessant queries, for patiently and tirelessly working through our cases and giving us pointers and useful information, for the insightful and enlightening comments, for the somewhat demoralising pep talks, for listening to our rants, for lightening the mood with the most inane of comments and egoistic of proclamations at the finals, for simply being there, the master debater, the cunning linguist, the coach we all love to bits.

Mariam, my first speaker - for putting up with all my moods, for sharing my pre-debate fetishes for microwaved food from the 7-11 convenience store, for the sharing sessions when I was especially down prior to a certain debate, for the constant appraisal and encouragement, for the sexual innuendos and perverse animations online, for the frantic late night phonecalls, for fluff, for simply being who you are.

Melody, my third speaker - for being someone I can confide in, for compiling the most comprehensive rebuttal sheets ever, for listening to my strange tales, for being my sparring partner in a battle of wits, for cracking us all up with your knowledge of the anatomy and associated sexual processes, for giving the most random of responses at times, for your brilliant dissection of issues in debate, for being the entertaining friend that I love.

Prerna, the third speaker who came and went - for always backing us, no matter that we're time zones away, for always encouraging us via e-mails and the like, for the concern, for your unwavering belief in our abilities. Thank you for all these and more.

Marc, the reserve - for uncomplainingly helping us with research and cases despite the occasionally unreasonable deadlines we set, for taking all our pre-debate crankiness in your stride, for keeping late nights just discussing debate and other irrelevant issues, for hearing me out on the bad days and laughing with me during the better ones, for being my muse and someone I treasure not just as a debater, but as a friend.

Seniors: JC2s (Sean, Edmund, Char, Natasha, etc.) - for being our sparring partners, always trying to accommodate our requests (absurd as they might be), for the witty banter, for the sexual innuendos, for the constant encouragement and support at the JGs, for proving that age is no barrier to camaraderie, for the bitchy rants, for constantly keeping our feet on the ground, for always reminding us what we're doing all these for, for the outpouring of love and generosity (yes, really), for being the best seniors we could've asked for, and we're eternally indebted to you people. For everything.

Seniors: JC1s - for the laughter during debate sessions, the most warped and irrelevant of discussions, for supporting us throughout the frenzied eight weeks that were the JGs, for de-stressing with us, for being the good people that make up the debate fraternity.

Teachers: Mr Veera, Mr Bala, Ms Ng, Mr Hasim and all the other teachers who came down to support us last night, as well as all our subject tutors - for supporting us in all our ventures, whether academic, co-curricular or otherwise, for all the concern and encouragement, for the occasional help with cases, for being extremely understanding with regard to assignments and extensions, for never pressurising us, but being there in every way possible. No words will ever express our gratitude.

Friends - for always being there for us in spite of our frequent absences, for showering us with compliments and platitudes I'm not sure we always deserve, for the concern for our well-being, for tolerating our whims and debate-induced stress levels, for the moral support at our debates, for the sweet text messages and encouragement, for the constant reassurance, for loving us through it all, having seen the best and worst of us. We couldn't have asked for more.

Everyone else whom I've failed to mention - for everything, really, thank you. Thank you.

All credit to VJC IP too, they definitely gave us a good fight, possibly the toughest opponents we've faced (in terms of style, at least) in the competition, and the most gracious losers, too. I was reminded of a certain's school's behaviour when one of them rose to speak in the floor debate, but that's for another time.

It's been a long nine weeks, and as I type this, the memories of times past return with such emotional intensity.

The hugs, the laughter, the hysteria, the tears, the late nights, the frantic phone calls, the Sunday afternoons at Hans Cafe, the insanity of Friday afternoons in the Computer Lab, the smiles, the smirks, the extorbitant cab fares, the brainstorming at The Coffee Bean, the tales of tigers and assorted animals, the arguments, the blazer-borrowing, the case-prepping, the suburban malls, the euphoria, the anticipation of a motion to come.

They're all over.

It's the perfect way to start a debate career, and while I'm looking forward to the Junior College Debating Championships next year, I'll just relive those moments for now.

The exhilaration of holding the plaque and trophies aloft on stage and watching a sea of smiles all around is indescribable.

3-2 to Temasek, and I've never been prouder.

musing ; 1:33 AM`

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Three words.

You don't need justification to feel the way you do sometimes, as much as logical thought and deductive reasoning may preside over the mind that is split into two camps, feeling truly powerless at this juncture to offer a semblance of an authoritative pronouncement on the dilemma that looms.

When was the last time you let your heart decide?

There's a certain inexplicable charm about you, the way you furrow your brows and cock your head ever so slightly when you ponder something, your matter-of-fact answers, the eyes which tell of boyish naivete, and yet speak of maturity far beyond your years, that sparkle with barely disguised curiosity, and complement that beautiful smile perfectly. No, you're not perfect, but I find you strangely likeable.

More importantly, do you trust your heart to make the decisions?

Those three words have been overrated for the longest time, and the demarcations between what constitutes genuine feeling and what is a mere compilation of superficial interests and concerns have been irrevocably blurred in the name of hurrying the process. They've lost their meaning, and we're just meandering along the same old path, fixated with our idealised notions of what it's truly about. Nothing's going to last if it's founded on a predilection for flowers, chocolate and everything else sweet and nice, a brilliant facade. Who's to say if it's a fleeting thought, or something more? Truth is interpretation, and interpretation is subjective.

And above all, in the perennial struggle between the mind and the heart, who triumphs?

Someone once suggested that my undisguised cynicism might be borne of idealism. Perhaps it's true.

musing ; 9:18 AM`

Saturday, April 01, 2006

The seasons of love

It's strange when you're caught between two equally tantalising options. On one end are the beliefs you've always abided by, prided yourself on, and generally held dear, and on the other lie an array of possibilities you don't want to contemplate for now, for you'd like to distance yourself from such a prospect. But can you?

Where does one go from here?

You can't straddle both forever, but while it'd be drastic to leap headlong into uncharted territory, dangling your feet and testing the waters doesn't seem the most pleasing alternative.

There's something about hormones I detest, and that being that they make you think with your heart, not your mind. For one who tries to break events and everyday occurrences down with the pillars of rationality and logic, the steady procession of emotions doesn't come easy. Your head can't rule your heart, they say. I wish it'd be otherwise, but there's something in me which begs to continue exercising free reign over these unbridled emotions, not to be strapped down by circumstantial constraints.

I don't think there's a true definition for this, and I can't say I know for sure, but I'm guessing it's something more, or I wouldn't be feeling this way.

musing ; 10:29 AM`

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Airport

At the airport today,
Where signboards screamed and
Announcements blared
Arrivals, departures
Incoming, outgoing
The site of cheery hellos
And teary goodbyes
All the things we left unsaid
All the words we left unspoken
I wondered.

For Life is but a sojourn, a cycle
One with many, many stops
Transient, ephemeral
Our paths cross, meet
Diverge, part.
We press against the glass wall
Waving goodbye, bidding farewell
Knowing that it has come full circle
And that the cycle will begin
Once more.

I'm not sure if the above can even be considered a poem, or just a mere mishmash of disjointed thoughts, which hit me while I was thinking in the car, on the way home from the airport.

I said goodbye to a friend today.

I bade farewell to a fellow debater I've known for barely two months, but whom I cherish, not just as a valuable member of our debate team, but also a friend, whose insights and opinions are always very much welcome, and who provides a different spin on things.

At the airport today, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of finality, explaining the train of thoughts which led to the poem (of sorts) above. I've sent my friends off to the different corners of the world, the United States, Australia, China and now India. With each one it's been a different torrent of emotions, from reminiscence to bittersweet nostalgia to satisfaction from the knowledge that they will one day return.

One day it will be my turn. I do expect to leave the country, whether to pursue my studies or opportunities abroad. And when that day comes, I won't fight back the tears like I did today, because saying goodbye to all I've ever known is the hardest thing I'll ever have to do.

musing ; 4:07 AM`